I knew it was coming since last June, but somehow I managed to convince myself that it would never arrive. Needless to say it kept coming closer and closer whether I wanted it to or not. I tried to will the clock to stop ticking. Two hours before I knew he had to leave I laid awake wishing time could stand still. Even as he drove away I thought he might turn around and come back to get something he had forgotten. When he called I just knew he was going to say, "They canceled the war. I'm coming home." But that is not what happened. He just kept driving and now he is gone. I couldn't stop time.
However, since I can't stop time that means the day of reunion only gets closer. That doesn't make goodbyes any easier. I think saying goodbye was the hardest part. Once I came to realize that goodbye was reality I could start finding ways to cope and continue on.
Once he left and I was standing sock footed in the driveway I started asking myself how I had gotten myself into such a mess. Four boys three and under with an amazing husband who is now going to be thousands of miles away? What was I thinking? Then I realized I didn't get myself into this "mess". God placed me here as part of his perfect plan. HE gave me a love for Danny. HE blessed us with four handsome boys. HE called us to the Army and HE is going to do marvelous things in and through us during this time. That doesn't take away the hurt or the tears but it gives me strength.
What hurt the most was dealing with the boys. Poor Eli, a Daddy's boy if there ever was one, woke up looking for Danny. He bypassed me and searched everywhere. When Danny was nowhere to be found he broke down crying. I gave Jonah his "Daddy Doll" only to be informed that he missed his real Daddy. Huxton and Eli both cried out for Danny at bedtime after I had left the room. I sat in my bedroom as Jonah calmed them down and said, "I know you miss Daddy, but he will be back in the morning time." If only that were true. Jonah asked me "Why did Daddy leave us?" As much as I try to explain he doesn't fully understand. How can he? He's three. They are making such a sacrifice and don't even know it. I cry for them because Danny won't be at Jonah's first soccer game or Benaiah's first crawl, at Huxton and Eli's 2nd birthday or on our family vacation. He won't be here to play in the backyard or tickle them after bath time. Even I miss those things. It hurts to see others or myself doing what Danny has always done. I want them to remember him and in my hormonal mind it seems like replacement.
Today was better. I few less tears. A little more confident. One more day closer to seeing him again. So, I am asking for prayers. Please pray for Danny's safety and that he will have many opportunities to share Christ with the soldiers. Pray for my little boys that they would have an understanding beyond their years. Pray that they won't forget their Daddy but will learn to love him from afar. Pray that they will fall into a new schedule and behave like the little men I know they can be. Pray for those that are supporting us as they have extra demands added to their already busy lives. I appreciate your prayers because I know they are spoken out of love for us and are delivered to a God who can bring us perfect peace.
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