As much as we wanted to go straight to the hospital and be with Theo, we couldn't due to the quarantine. We all really needed a break from the hospital. Ms. Connie had invited us to visit her church, so we decided we would give it a shot.
To our surprise they had the University of Arkansas Gospel Choir visiting! Our kids had made a game of finding the razorbacks (they might even be the next big fans) and were thrilled with the upbeat music. It was also a breath of fresh air for Danny who had sung most of the songs when he was in choir in school. It is amazing what music can do to lift your spirits!
After church, we went to the hospital. It was my turn to visit Theo, but when I went down I ran into birth mom and birth dad coming for a visit. My stomach sank and my heart picked up beat. Fear grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let go. Were they here because they wanted to parent?
Of course, in my head I know that they have every right to choose to parent. I also know that they care for him deeply. Really, who am I so say that I could give him a better life, greater opportunities, or more love? I can't. However, in my heart I knew that I was already head-over-heels in love with a four pound little boy down the hall.
I did my best to explain the procedures to them and why he was in quarantine. It was hard with a mask on my face hiding any facial hints that might have helped. I went back first with birth mom. Once she left I was suppose to nurse Theo. I started not knowing if birth dad planned to come back or not. Then, birth dad came back for a few minutes. Over all the visit was short but it seemed like an eternity.
I stayed with Theo for a long time after that just praying for peace. I wanted to trust God. I wanted to trust that He was doing far beyond what we could imagine. I just didn't know that the place He was working might just be in my heart.
To top it off, he nursed just 5mL out of 20. Five!
I went back upstairs feeling like a panicked failure to find Poppy wailing and the kids bouncing off the walls. It was raining and they were DONE. (So was Danny.) I started cleaning up the remains of lunch and talking to Danny about the encounter. Now, Danny and I consider ourselves to have a very strong and healthy marriage, but at one point we were cleaning up lunch and we both snapped at each other. WHOA! It was a shock to the system. What was going on?
The more we thought about it the more we realized that neither of us were both working out of our strengths. I was sitting in quiet, dealing with medical professionals, handling high drama, and health concerns. Danny was trying to teach the bigs, entertain the littles, feed them all, all while balancing a baby who wanted momma. We had switched jobs! Danny isn't a domestic engineer and I am not a chaplain. We were so stressed and worn out because we weren't using the gifts God had given us.
As much as I wanted to be the main one down in the NICU, we decided it was best for Danny to take that role and let me care for the littles. I still went to visit and nurse, of course, but Danny went first to handle any surprises and get the run down from the nurses. God knew what he was doing when he paired us together ;)
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| Not a picture of Theo, but it sums up Day 4 quite nicely :) |
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