There was also a lot of heart searching and seeking God. You know those times when you aren't even quite sure what you feel much less why you are feeling it? Well, that is where I was.
I was ecstatic that we had welcomed Theodore into our home, but I felt guilty celebrating when I was also grieving the loss his birth mom must feel. Then I felt guilty for not being more joyful.
I loved the newborn snuggles and cuddles, but I felt sorrow that Poppy's "babyhood" was cut short. Really, I was more hormonal than after I give birth to my own!
Danny and I were tag teaming all night parties with Theo and then I felt terrible that I didn't have the energy to play soccer or endure first grade reading lessons. Let's be honest - sometimes that requires endurance.
I won't even start on a State of the Marriage Address.
So, when I felt like life should be all rainbows and unicorns . . . it wasn't.
Of course, we were not alone and God sent reminders that He was still with us and guiding us.
Here are some examples:
- Family time provided in FREE Botanical Garden tickets from the NICU.
- Many people asking, "Which baby is adopted?" Usually when I was not around and they saw Danny's dark hair, but I'll take it!
- Our CC group sent frozen meals and it was the exact number we needed in the days between discharge and going home. Oh, and they were delicious :)
- Jonah cheering for Theo to finish his bottles because he wanted him to grow. I had prayed for their bond since they are the bookends and the farthest apart, and I already see a brotherly love forming.
- Huck had been begging to go to KFC (Apparently that one craving for mashed potatoes on our first trip to Arkansas last year while pregnant meant we go to KFC every time we are in Arkansas.) So, even though I had packed a picnic for the ride home we stopped. The lady gave us all the kids free buffets! Then, when we trip took longer than planned we had the picnic in a gas station parking lot. Yes, quite the scene.
Through these days and the days that have followed, we learned to watch for and recognize the provision and grace of God - and then giving him the worship and thanks He is greatly due. I am so thankful for the fresh lessons God is giving daily. We have had days where I have clung to his promise to give us the grace we need and we race to him in prayer. I praise the Lord that my children have come to recognize it, too. After struggling to get out the door and into the van, Jonah chimes, "I think we need to pray." Then, he prays the sweetest prayer asking for peace and protection.
Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 15:16
God has proven himself faithful yet again. Why do I ever doubt? I look around at my beautiful family and I am in awe at how he built our family perfectly.
However, when I look around I also see laundry, dishes, dirty floors, and a clock telling me we are running late - again. So, if you see me with crazy hair and tired eyes just smile please. Thank you! ;)
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